I have not visited the world xseño in a week and the people have gotten a bit bitter. But what am I to do? In the world at home, an army is being formed under my same roof. My young sisters have learned how to work in a homemade army and a homemade drug shop- my younger brothers have learned to be skilled in the trade. Osbaldo’s old house is in a clearing in the woods, away from the city center. Adan has began bargaining for the houses next to us. We are starting a new community. He is trading pills for certain herbs and any crops that people can grow on this dry land. He has send out chico’s to find a water source- and they have found one. Things are changing so rapidly, and so my mind is occupied here.

In xseño Paula says the people have wondered if I really am their creator. Of course I am their creator! I was the one who made the pill; I was the one who took the pill. What other world would be in my mind if it was not my own? The people here look anxious as they await what I will do or say next. It seems I must find a way to spend more time in xseño so I do not loose this world too. 

Three more boys from el Jefe’s gang have arrived. This is starting to get ridiculous. There are not even enough beds. Adan says we will build another room underground. News about el druga is everywhere, apparently my neighbors and el Jefe’s gang have leaked the truth that there is a magical drug out there that will change your world- and literally create a new one. This is partially true.

Adan has put restrictions on the drug, for example no one under age seventeen may have the drug. Adan and Osbaldo are the only ones that have tried the drug. They have told me about their worlds. Osbaldo talks about lights and music and how everyone in his world fly shiny machines around and zip through space with stars. Adan describes thick forests with animals and people who live in rafts on rivers. We only talk amongst ourselves. Adan has a strict system in order to keep track of the drugs, so that none of the younger ones are tempted. I doubt they would be able to handle xseño anyways. It’s a strong feeling before you fall asleep and if you are not ready for it your system will boot it up.
What Adan is telling me is that the drug allows people to better create another life in their head, changing the way they look at this world. He tells me that when people get ahold of the drug they are better here, but if the drug gets into the wrong hands it will be sold only to a few- and the bad few. The drug can change this world, he tells me. But I do not understand how. We are forming an army, he says, to defend the drug and to save this world. I’m not sure I wanted this, I’m not sure what is happening and I’m not sure it even matters anymore.

Below is the process of how xseño is made:

The world xseño is glorious but more strange. As I said before, the people here treat me as though I am royalty. I suppose in a word, I am their creator. But I’m not sure how I created them, and how this system of government even works. If I created it, why am I so in the dark? From what I understand it works like this: Everyone is treated equally in who they are and what they received. Therefore everyone does equal amount of work and they bring all that work back to the community. You do not work for yourself, but you work for you community. I suppose, everyone is happy. No on complains, everyone is happy to work for the whole, as long as everyone is doing their part. But, when there are slip-ups, there is blame. Is this part of my mentality? When that child drowned in the water, they were looking to blame. I did not see blame, solely an accident.

            Paula tries and helps me to understand. If it is only a child they have not learned the responsibilities yet and the child must be watched by those responsible. When the child is not watched over someone is not responsible. Well, it makes perfect sense, but still, why should someone be punished. Also, I am treated differently. Why am I not equal? Paula says, that’s because you are our creator, you have taken on the most responsibility. I feel not so responsible, and very much like a child that needs to be watched over. I know little about this world. Furthermore, I feel the people are expecting something, now that I am here. They look as though they are still waiting. I must address Paula about this soon. 

Adan has a sister, and she is here with us. She has been caring for Eloy, for he has been beaten by el Jefe’s gang. She says she used to work at the school, and so she is good with children, especially children who have been mistreated (common in this world.) Her name is Alida. It means little winged one, although she is small, she has a grand heart. She is very pretty and I like to spend the nights on shift with her. I like to stick around after meals when she teaches mis hermanas new languages and facts about the other worlds, where our fathers went, etc. Often, Adan finds me watching her and says, “You need to be at our evening meeting and then you can stare at mi hermana.”

Eloy, on the other hand, has changed. He barely talks and gets easily angered. He does not like to work on the drug, although he has a very steady hand at it, like me. I tell him this and he only shrugs. Adan says that he will come around, and he is only in shock. The others sometimes describe the things that el Jefe has done to the new boys to keep them in line. Torture, verbal abuse, they are made to steal and be violent against others. Adan tells me that you change your face when you join el Jefe, you forget where your morals are. Mi madre has no patience for when Eloy acts out, and it is good to know that he will still listen to her when she gives him a look. 

           In the headquarters (and this is what we call Osbaldo’s old house now) there are fourteen of us. This includes: myself and mi madre plus dos hermanos y tres hermanas. Adan, his madre y his Hermana. Plus, four boys from el Jefe’s gang in total (including Zucár y Osbaldo.) Adan has gotten us all into a meeting saying that el Jefe is after something that I have (el xseño) ‘a very powerful weapon.’ We must protect it, and we must protect those involved. And now, he says, everyone here is involved. “We must work as a team,” he says.

Adan has assigned jobs to all the boys and even to mis hermanas. Our mothers are in charge of meals and gathering. Mis hermanas in charge of laundry and the cleaning of weapons (yes weapons- knifes and pistols). The younger boys (Eloy, Zucár, y QuiQui) will learn how to make el druga xseño, and the older boys are in charge of security. I am not to argue, Adan says, although he informs me I also have the last word. Does this contradict itself? Absolutely. Adan is head of security, Osbaldo is head of the house, and I am head of el druga. 

     When I return to the world xseño days are glorious. The people, my people, treat me like a king, although sometimes I wish they would not. Last night we had a feast. We sat outside on big rock tables that came up from the ground. Everyone was there and Paula sat next to me. Our cups were always filled with a special kind of zumo, it made my head soar into the air and my feet tingle. We stayed up late into the night. There are two things I do not understand. First, Paula brought me to a separate chamber, apart from the community. What is this chamber? Second, I began to tell Paula about the problems in the real world, and when I got so flustered she kissed me on the lips. Well, it went a bit further than this. What will this mean for us? Can one man stand so much in one lifetime?

            My brother has been returned to me! -And safe! Although under fed. Mi madre cried, perhaps her happiness, or her relief. Either way, it splashed onto the floors. Eloy was waiting for us when we were returned to the house. Adan explained that he reveal this for security reasons. I do not doubt Adan anymore- at least right now. He has brought mi familia back to me, and we are all together now.

It was Osbaldo’s old home- where we are now. He would not tell us where his family went. Two more of El Jefe’s gang met us here with mi hermano, Eloy. Osbaldo’s home is big, which Adan says is good, because we will need a lot of space for more. I ask: Who are you talking about? How many more of El Jefe’s members will join us? How long will it be before El Jefe himself finds us? But Adan just gives me a calming look and says, for now, don’t worry and spend time with your familia. I will take his advice and just be happy to have mi hermano back with me. 

I still question Adan’s motives, but today we move- and I must be honest, I will feel safer anywhere else but here. El Jefe’s gang all know where we live, I feel like their eyes follow us everywhere. It will be better for all of mis hermanos y hermanas if we leave.

Osbaldo y Zucár will each take one of mis hermanas. QuiQue and my harmana go together. Adan leads the way for me and mi madre. We left late in the night, through the back door. Mi madre brought all the photographs and Adan says he will send Osbaldo back to grab my chemicals and machine supplies for the xseño druga. Wish us luck, for if we are spotted in the middle of the night, only danger awaits us. And to think of Eloy, mi pobre hermano…what will happen to him if el Jefe finds out the moves we are about to make. 

      When I return to the world xseño days are glorious. The people, my people, treat me like a king, although sometimes I wish they would not. Last night we had a feast. We sat outside on big rock tables that came up from the ground. Everyone was there and Paula sat next to me. Our cups were always filled with a special kind of zumo, it made my head soar into the air and my feet tingle. We stayed up late into the night. There are two things I do not understand. First, Paula brought me to a separate chamber, apart from the community. What is this chamber? Second, I began to tell Paula about the problems in the real world, and when I got so flustered she kissed me on the lips. Well, it went a bit further than this. What will this mean for us? Can one man stand so much in one lifetime?

     Yesterday, Adan has come with his hermana y madre. Mi madre has stopped asking questions. She knows something is wrong, and she took Adan’s family in without question. His house has to be abandoned Adan insisted that they be in hiding. El jefe and his gang kept coming back to Adan’s madre and questioning her. Pretty soon, Adan told me, he will not take ‘no se’ from mi madre any longer.

This is not the only troubling part.
     Tonight, two more brothers from el Jefe have come to stay. The first was one of the messengers, a young boy that had asked me for answers on his last visit. Su llama es Zucár. The other boy is older, as old as me and close with Adan, now that he is here. (Adan must have been communicating secretly with this one.) Su llama es Osbaldo. Adan says we must move tomorrow, he has a plan and I must prepare mi familia. Am I suppose to trust Adan? He gives me little choice.

     Anton was right, two days after the conversation with him two messengers appeared at the doorway to collect. Mi madre offered guava, but the messengers shook their heads and thanked her, surprisingly respectful. They only asked to speak to me. Adan must have heard their steps and hid. I invited them in to my Kitchen and mi madre disappeared to the neighbors con los niños. They told me el Jefe wants to see me, and he wants the twenty pills now. I told them that I needed more time, that it took me weeks to produce one pill. Of course this was a lie, and they did not believe it. They told me if I did not produce him thirty pills by the end of the week, then Eloy’s fingers would start to be cut off. Mi pobre hermano. I cannot believe I listened to Adan. He told me I did the right thing, but I will give them the pills when they come back, I cannot have mi hermano suffer like this. 

     Something was curious though, there was one young messenger, he stopped on the way out. He asked me, “Is it true then, you have the drug to solve this world?” At first the older messengers glared at the young boy as though he had done something terribly wrong by asking that, but then they only looked at me for my answer. I was confused, I don’t understand what people have been thinking so I only responded that I did not think so. I am so worried about mi hermano, but Adan tells me he has a plan.