I have returned again to xseño, the world which I have made. Paula had taken me to a secret place beneath the trees, a shimmering enclosure of white rocks. She studied me hard until finally she said, “You don’t remember creating this world. You don’t remember our birth.” I was not sure if it was a question or a statement, but I answered no anyways. Paula did not speak for a long time, I followed her to el rio and she caught las pescas with her hands, only waning them into the water and asking for their life to be passed to us. “We work together, you see.” She told me. “You decided that everything would be done as one, everyone would look after each other, we would never again be on our own.” She said these words were echoed to her by her grandmother, and then her mother, and she was to recite them to her own children. “They were what you wanted for us,” she said. 
        I was still not sure where it all came from. How could I have invented this world before I consumed this pill? How had this world formed a century before I exsisted?? I have no idea. At least, I found some desolate clarity soon enough. Paula said, when the boy drowned in the river, the people were looking for who to blame, because when something goes wrong… Someone is not working for the community, that’s when things go wrong. Paula told me my own words softly, but patiently. I couldn't resist. At one point I brushed the hair out of her face. She stepped back at this and so I asked her, “And how has that worked so far?” 
       “We do not hope for anything more,” she said, “We are all equals here, we hope for nothing more than this.” This does not sound like me.

          I have learned to trust Adan. Yesterday I found him playing with my young hermanos. He looked genuinely happy. When I sat him down after dinner, I asked him why he had really come. He told me of all the bad el Jefe had done to him and his younger brother who had died a few years back. Adan told me that he only stayed loyal to save the rest of his family. A few of them had emigrated South, the only ones left are his madre y hermana. He showed me pictures of the two, and I recognized la chica from mi escuela. That is, when I still went to mis clases. La nombre de la chica es Victoria , she is muy bonita. I asked Adan if there was much to find South, he was sure that there was civilization that was much different from us, tamer, but very closed off. 
        We are open like coins in a pocket, there is nothing for anyone here. This is not the first time I have heard of people going South. The matter is, we never hear about them again. Adan tells me he must not be seen by the messengers that come back. And they will come back, he said. El jefe will want to meet with me also, about xseño, more forcefully this time. I was to give them twenty pills, and this I had ready. Adan says I must not give the messengers any pills. I asked Adan why it matters, I said that nothing can get any worse here. He nodded, but then he stood up, he said, “But with this power, with xseño, hope could return.” I have much to understand. 

      The world xseño has gotten terrifyingly real. Today a young child fell into the river and it was too late before the other children saw or the other parents noticed. We all came running. I wish I could have done more. His padre y madre were absolutely ruined, and they next day they wanted to attribute his death to the fault of someone else in the community for not watching over close enough. There was much bickering and Paula tried to make things calm, but soon enough they all turned to me. I was astonished. Paula bowed her head and then raised it to give me a nod. She, as well expected me to take demand, to say who was responsible! I was embarrassed and fearful, who was I to say? They told me, that I was their leader, I was their creator. I tried to deny this but Paula shut my mouth and took me by the arm, pulling me a aside. She told the others that I needed time to think. I needed time to understand. Paula had some tolerance though. She was patient and told me that I invented the communal system they live in today and I must decide who blame falls on. I told the people that blame falls on no one, and accidents happen. The people looked confused and some of them angry, but I thought myself true. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. Have I created the right thing? I was happy to wake up, and now I am hesitant to go back.

      Today I met Adan. He comes from el jefe and the gang. He told me the whereabouts of mi hermano, Eloy.  It has become worse than I thought- that is, the news of xseño has floated to everyone in this town. I didn’t know the effects had gotten those two or three users so hyped that they went and told their families and all their friends. Word has gotten out, and now, even mi madre knows. She is broken between proud and scared. Proud because this is what mi padre had wanted for me, to event something beautiful. Scared, because people have been coming to our doorway with good stuff and monstrous. At first I held una pala, something metal we use for digging, however Adan explained in a hurry that he knew where Eloy was hidden. Adan turned his pockets outward and showed me all his supplies. He was clean, and for now I will take his word but I still keep QuiQue close, watching Adan’s moved, just in case. There can be no chances these days.  QuiQue is young, but he has better sense than his brother Eloy. He is more like me in this way.                

   In the world xseño Paula tells me that they have waited all their lives for me to return. I didn’t understand. She expressed that her mother and her mother before her all waited for me, that they all knew I would come that they lived life knowing me as their saviour. But they have been here all along? This is what I cannot understand. I thought I came here and created this place upon consumption of xseño, but Paula insists they have always been here. In fact, she gets a bit offended when I talk about it as though she had popped up from no where. She walks ahead, somewhat faster, and tries to ignore me for a while. Las chicas pequeñas follow her naturally, and los chicos only fallow me around, jumping up and down and sometimes touching my skin in hopes I may play some sort of game called ‘Hutchpoy’ that requires you to jump all which ways on only one foot or your knees. I have yet to understand the rules. 
    Life in xseño is simple, but nothing like mine. No one worries and everyone is friends. More so family, actually. They all eat together and hunt together, they have sleeping quarters together. It seems they do have smaller communities though. Families in one pod naturally are closer than families with another pod, but everything is communal: meals, rest, fun. Some people from each smaller community seem to be the speaker for that pod, and they join into a group, and there are speakers within that. This is how they seem to communicate. Los niños learn the ways throughout the day, but there is no schooling. I wonder why Paula is so very special to the people. Los niños like her more than anyone else, and so do los adultos.  In some ways though, I understand. She es muy bonita, and muy inteligente. I miss her when I go back. But back I must go. My family needs me. 

   Mi hermano has not returned. Mi hermana pequeña spoke to me yesterday, she asked, “will I ever see mi hermano again?” She did not cry, her eyes did not water. She asked me, simple as that. Mi madre has been keeping herself busy with wash and mixing herbs with the remaining straps of monstruo we had left. I do feel guilty. I had been experimenting more, departing to xseño, and my duties to my family have began to lag behind. Not anymore. 

   Two of el jefe’s gang came to our front puerto. I made mi madre go in the back room with the niños, mi hermano, QuiQue, standing with me.  Dirt covers these chicos faces. The roofs that el jefe supplies are strong but they are built in the muck, from mud and blood. Los chicos sleep there after hunting, after killing, with their filthy fingers they lay to rest under el jefe’s dwelling. I knew they had come to bring news of Eloy and why he has been missing. “Tu hermano es salvo.” Safe, the best thing I could know for mi hermano. But I also knew there would be more. El jefe’s messengers explained that he wanted the special drug they have been hearing about. My xseño, of course, I knew it would come to this if I gave it away at all. I have until today sundown to produce twenty pills, where as I only have twenty five on hand now, there goes my supply. My payment? Eloy stays alive. There is nothing to fight, I do not think, but I know that this will become the demise for all I wanted for xseño.