I have not visited the world xseño in a week and the people have gotten a bit bitter. But what am I to do? In the world at home, an army is being formed under my same roof. My young sisters have learned how to work in a homemade army and a homemade drug shop- my younger brothers have learned to be skilled in the trade. Osbaldo’s old house is in a clearing in the woods, away from the city center. Adan has began bargaining for the houses next to us. We are starting a new community. He is trading pills for certain herbs and any crops that people can grow on this dry land. He has send out chico’s to find a water source- and they have found one. Things are changing so rapidly, and so my mind is occupied here.

In xseño Paula says the people have wondered if I really am their creator. Of course I am their creator! I was the one who made the pill; I was the one who took the pill. What other world would be in my mind if it was not my own? The people here look anxious as they await what I will do or say next. It seems I must find a way to spend more time in xseño so I do not loose this world too. 

Three more boys from el Jefe’s gang have arrived. This is starting to get ridiculous. There are not even enough beds. Adan says we will build another room underground. News about el druga is everywhere, apparently my neighbors and el Jefe’s gang have leaked the truth that there is a magical drug out there that will change your world- and literally create a new one. This is partially true.

Adan has put restrictions on the drug, for example no one under age seventeen may have the drug. Adan and Osbaldo are the only ones that have tried the drug. They have told me about their worlds. Osbaldo talks about lights and music and how everyone in his world fly shiny machines around and zip through space with stars. Adan describes thick forests with animals and people who live in rafts on rivers. We only talk amongst ourselves. Adan has a strict system in order to keep track of the drugs, so that none of the younger ones are tempted. I doubt they would be able to handle xseño anyways. It’s a strong feeling before you fall asleep and if you are not ready for it your system will boot it up.
What Adan is telling me is that the drug allows people to better create another life in their head, changing the way they look at this world. He tells me that when people get ahold of the drug they are better here, but if the drug gets into the wrong hands it will be sold only to a few- and the bad few. The drug can change this world, he tells me. But I do not understand how. We are forming an army, he says, to defend the drug and to save this world. I’m not sure I wanted this, I’m not sure what is happening and I’m not sure it even matters anymore.

Below is the process of how xseño is made:

The world xseño is glorious but more strange. As I said before, the people here treat me as though I am royalty. I suppose in a word, I am their creator. But I’m not sure how I created them, and how this system of government even works. If I created it, why am I so in the dark? From what I understand it works like this: Everyone is treated equally in who they are and what they received. Therefore everyone does equal amount of work and they bring all that work back to the community. You do not work for yourself, but you work for you community. I suppose, everyone is happy. No on complains, everyone is happy to work for the whole, as long as everyone is doing their part. But, when there are slip-ups, there is blame. Is this part of my mentality? When that child drowned in the water, they were looking to blame. I did not see blame, solely an accident.

            Paula tries and helps me to understand. If it is only a child they have not learned the responsibilities yet and the child must be watched by those responsible. When the child is not watched over someone is not responsible. Well, it makes perfect sense, but still, why should someone be punished. Also, I am treated differently. Why am I not equal? Paula says, that’s because you are our creator, you have taken on the most responsibility. I feel not so responsible, and very much like a child that needs to be watched over. I know little about this world. Furthermore, I feel the people are expecting something, now that I am here. They look as though they are still waiting. I must address Paula about this soon. 

Adan has a sister, and she is here with us. She has been caring for Eloy, for he has been beaten by el Jefe’s gang. She says she used to work at the school, and so she is good with children, especially children who have been mistreated (common in this world.) Her name is Alida. It means little winged one, although she is small, she has a grand heart. She is very pretty and I like to spend the nights on shift with her. I like to stick around after meals when she teaches mis hermanas new languages and facts about the other worlds, where our fathers went, etc. Often, Adan finds me watching her and says, “You need to be at our evening meeting and then you can stare at mi hermana.”

Eloy, on the other hand, has changed. He barely talks and gets easily angered. He does not like to work on the drug, although he has a very steady hand at it, like me. I tell him this and he only shrugs. Adan says that he will come around, and he is only in shock. The others sometimes describe the things that el Jefe has done to the new boys to keep them in line. Torture, verbal abuse, they are made to steal and be violent against others. Adan tells me that you change your face when you join el Jefe, you forget where your morals are. Mi madre has no patience for when Eloy acts out, and it is good to know that he will still listen to her when she gives him a look. 

           In the headquarters (and this is what we call Osbaldo’s old house now) there are fourteen of us. This includes: myself and mi madre plus dos hermanos y tres hermanas. Adan, his madre y his Hermana. Plus, four boys from el Jefe’s gang in total (including Zucár y Osbaldo.) Adan has gotten us all into a meeting saying that el Jefe is after something that I have (el xseño) ‘a very powerful weapon.’ We must protect it, and we must protect those involved. And now, he says, everyone here is involved. “We must work as a team,” he says.

Adan has assigned jobs to all the boys and even to mis hermanas. Our mothers are in charge of meals and gathering. Mis hermanas in charge of laundry and the cleaning of weapons (yes weapons- knifes and pistols). The younger boys (Eloy, Zucár, y QuiQui) will learn how to make el druga xseño, and the older boys are in charge of security. I am not to argue, Adan says, although he informs me I also have the last word. Does this contradict itself? Absolutely. Adan is head of security, Osbaldo is head of the house, and I am head of el druga. 

     When I return to the world xseño days are glorious. The people, my people, treat me like a king, although sometimes I wish they would not. Last night we had a feast. We sat outside on big rock tables that came up from the ground. Everyone was there and Paula sat next to me. Our cups were always filled with a special kind of zumo, it made my head soar into the air and my feet tingle. We stayed up late into the night. There are two things I do not understand. First, Paula brought me to a separate chamber, apart from the community. What is this chamber? Second, I began to tell Paula about the problems in the real world, and when I got so flustered she kissed me on the lips. Well, it went a bit further than this. What will this mean for us? Can one man stand so much in one lifetime?

            My brother has been returned to me! -And safe! Although under fed. Mi madre cried, perhaps her happiness, or her relief. Either way, it splashed onto the floors. Eloy was waiting for us when we were returned to the house. Adan explained that he reveal this for security reasons. I do not doubt Adan anymore- at least right now. He has brought mi familia back to me, and we are all together now.

It was Osbaldo’s old home- where we are now. He would not tell us where his family went. Two more of El Jefe’s gang met us here with mi hermano, Eloy. Osbaldo’s home is big, which Adan says is good, because we will need a lot of space for more. I ask: Who are you talking about? How many more of El Jefe’s members will join us? How long will it be before El Jefe himself finds us? But Adan just gives me a calming look and says, for now, don’t worry and spend time with your familia. I will take his advice and just be happy to have mi hermano back with me. 

I still question Adan’s motives, but today we move- and I must be honest, I will feel safer anywhere else but here. El Jefe’s gang all know where we live, I feel like their eyes follow us everywhere. It will be better for all of mis hermanos y hermanas if we leave.

Osbaldo y Zucár will each take one of mis hermanas. QuiQue and my harmana go together. Adan leads the way for me and mi madre. We left late in the night, through the back door. Mi madre brought all the photographs and Adan says he will send Osbaldo back to grab my chemicals and machine supplies for the xseño druga. Wish us luck, for if we are spotted in the middle of the night, only danger awaits us. And to think of Eloy, mi pobre hermano…what will happen to him if el Jefe finds out the moves we are about to make. 

      When I return to the world xseño days are glorious. The people, my people, treat me like a king, although sometimes I wish they would not. Last night we had a feast. We sat outside on big rock tables that came up from the ground. Everyone was there and Paula sat next to me. Our cups were always filled with a special kind of zumo, it made my head soar into the air and my feet tingle. We stayed up late into the night. There are two things I do not understand. First, Paula brought me to a separate chamber, apart from the community. What is this chamber? Second, I began to tell Paula about the problems in the real world, and when I got so flustered she kissed me on the lips. Well, it went a bit further than this. What will this mean for us? Can one man stand so much in one lifetime?

     Yesterday, Adan has come with his hermana y madre. Mi madre has stopped asking questions. She knows something is wrong, and she took Adan’s family in without question. His house has to be abandoned Adan insisted that they be in hiding. El jefe and his gang kept coming back to Adan’s madre and questioning her. Pretty soon, Adan told me, he will not take ‘no se’ from mi madre any longer.

This is not the only troubling part.
     Tonight, two more brothers from el Jefe have come to stay. The first was one of the messengers, a young boy that had asked me for answers on his last visit. Su llama es Zucár. The other boy is older, as old as me and close with Adan, now that he is here. (Adan must have been communicating secretly with this one.) Su llama es Osbaldo. Adan says we must move tomorrow, he has a plan and I must prepare mi familia. Am I suppose to trust Adan? He gives me little choice.

     Anton was right, two days after the conversation with him two messengers appeared at the doorway to collect. Mi madre offered guava, but the messengers shook their heads and thanked her, surprisingly respectful. They only asked to speak to me. Adan must have heard their steps and hid. I invited them in to my Kitchen and mi madre disappeared to the neighbors con los niños. They told me el Jefe wants to see me, and he wants the twenty pills now. I told them that I needed more time, that it took me weeks to produce one pill. Of course this was a lie, and they did not believe it. They told me if I did not produce him thirty pills by the end of the week, then Eloy’s fingers would start to be cut off. Mi pobre hermano. I cannot believe I listened to Adan. He told me I did the right thing, but I will give them the pills when they come back, I cannot have mi hermano suffer like this. 

     Something was curious though, there was one young messenger, he stopped on the way out. He asked me, “Is it true then, you have the drug to solve this world?” At first the older messengers glared at the young boy as though he had done something terribly wrong by asking that, but then they only looked at me for my answer. I was confused, I don’t understand what people have been thinking so I only responded that I did not think so. I am so worried about mi hermano, but Adan tells me he has a plan. 

       I have returned again to xseño, the world which I have made. Paula had taken me to a secret place beneath the trees, a shimmering enclosure of white rocks. She studied me hard until finally she said, “You don’t remember creating this world. You don’t remember our birth.” I was not sure if it was a question or a statement, but I answered no anyways. Paula did not speak for a long time, I followed her to el rio and she caught las pescas with her hands, only waning them into the water and asking for their life to be passed to us. “We work together, you see.” She told me. “You decided that everything would be done as one, everyone would look after each other, we would never again be on our own.” She said these words were echoed to her by her grandmother, and then her mother, and she was to recite them to her own children. “They were what you wanted for us,” she said. 
        I was still not sure where it all came from. How could I have invented this world before I consumed this pill? How had this world formed a century before I exsisted?? I have no idea. At least, I found some desolate clarity soon enough. Paula said, when the boy drowned in the river, the people were looking for who to blame, because when something goes wrong… Someone is not working for the community, that’s when things go wrong. Paula told me my own words softly, but patiently. I couldn't resist. At one point I brushed the hair out of her face. She stepped back at this and so I asked her, “And how has that worked so far?” 
       “We do not hope for anything more,” she said, “We are all equals here, we hope for nothing more than this.” This does not sound like me.

          I have learned to trust Adan. Yesterday I found him playing with my young hermanos. He looked genuinely happy. When I sat him down after dinner, I asked him why he had really come. He told me of all the bad el Jefe had done to him and his younger brother who had died a few years back. Adan told me that he only stayed loyal to save the rest of his family. A few of them had emigrated South, the only ones left are his madre y hermana. He showed me pictures of the two, and I recognized la chica from mi escuela. That is, when I still went to mis clases. La nombre de la chica es Victoria , she is muy bonita. I asked Adan if there was much to find South, he was sure that there was civilization that was much different from us, tamer, but very closed off. 
        We are open like coins in a pocket, there is nothing for anyone here. This is not the first time I have heard of people going South. The matter is, we never hear about them again. Adan tells me he must not be seen by the messengers that come back. And they will come back, he said. El jefe will want to meet with me also, about xseño, more forcefully this time. I was to give them twenty pills, and this I had ready. Adan says I must not give the messengers any pills. I asked Adan why it matters, I said that nothing can get any worse here. He nodded, but then he stood up, he said, “But with this power, with xseño, hope could return.” I have much to understand. 

      The world xseño has gotten terrifyingly real. Today a young child fell into the river and it was too late before the other children saw or the other parents noticed. We all came running. I wish I could have done more. His padre y madre were absolutely ruined, and they next day they wanted to attribute his death to the fault of someone else in the community for not watching over close enough. There was much bickering and Paula tried to make things calm, but soon enough they all turned to me. I was astonished. Paula bowed her head and then raised it to give me a nod. She, as well expected me to take demand, to say who was responsible! I was embarrassed and fearful, who was I to say? They told me, that I was their leader, I was their creator. I tried to deny this but Paula shut my mouth and took me by the arm, pulling me a aside. She told the others that I needed time to think. I needed time to understand. Paula had some tolerance though. She was patient and told me that I invented the communal system they live in today and I must decide who blame falls on. I told the people that blame falls on no one, and accidents happen. The people looked confused and some of them angry, but I thought myself true. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. Have I created the right thing? I was happy to wake up, and now I am hesitant to go back.

      Today I met Adan. He comes from el jefe and the gang. He told me the whereabouts of mi hermano, Eloy.  It has become worse than I thought- that is, the news of xseño has floated to everyone in this town. I didn’t know the effects had gotten those two or three users so hyped that they went and told their families and all their friends. Word has gotten out, and now, even mi madre knows. She is broken between proud and scared. Proud because this is what mi padre had wanted for me, to event something beautiful. Scared, because people have been coming to our doorway with good stuff and monstrous. At first I held una pala, something metal we use for digging, however Adan explained in a hurry that he knew where Eloy was hidden. Adan turned his pockets outward and showed me all his supplies. He was clean, and for now I will take his word but I still keep QuiQue close, watching Adan’s moved, just in case. There can be no chances these days.  QuiQue is young, but he has better sense than his brother Eloy. He is more like me in this way.                

   In the world xseño Paula tells me that they have waited all their lives for me to return. I didn’t understand. She expressed that her mother and her mother before her all waited for me, that they all knew I would come that they lived life knowing me as their saviour. But they have been here all along? This is what I cannot understand. I thought I came here and created this place upon consumption of xseño, but Paula insists they have always been here. In fact, she gets a bit offended when I talk about it as though she had popped up from no where. She walks ahead, somewhat faster, and tries to ignore me for a while. Las chicas pequeñas follow her naturally, and los chicos only fallow me around, jumping up and down and sometimes touching my skin in hopes I may play some sort of game called ‘Hutchpoy’ that requires you to jump all which ways on only one foot or your knees. I have yet to understand the rules. 
    Life in xseño is simple, but nothing like mine. No one worries and everyone is friends. More so family, actually. They all eat together and hunt together, they have sleeping quarters together. It seems they do have smaller communities though. Families in one pod naturally are closer than families with another pod, but everything is communal: meals, rest, fun. Some people from each smaller community seem to be the speaker for that pod, and they join into a group, and there are speakers within that. This is how they seem to communicate. Los niños learn the ways throughout the day, but there is no schooling. I wonder why Paula is so very special to the people. Los niños like her more than anyone else, and so do los adultos.  In some ways though, I understand. She es muy bonita, and muy inteligente. I miss her when I go back. But back I must go. My family needs me. 

   Mi hermano has not returned. Mi hermana pequeña spoke to me yesterday, she asked, “will I ever see mi hermano again?” She did not cry, her eyes did not water. She asked me, simple as that. Mi madre has been keeping herself busy with wash and mixing herbs with the remaining straps of monstruo we had left. I do feel guilty. I had been experimenting more, departing to xseño, and my duties to my family have began to lag behind. Not anymore. 

   Two of el jefe’s gang came to our front puerto. I made mi madre go in the back room with the niños, mi hermano, QuiQue, standing with me.  Dirt covers these chicos faces. The roofs that el jefe supplies are strong but they are built in the muck, from mud and blood. Los chicos sleep there after hunting, after killing, with their filthy fingers they lay to rest under el jefe’s dwelling. I knew they had come to bring news of Eloy and why he has been missing. “Tu hermano es salvo.” Safe, the best thing I could know for mi hermano. But I also knew there would be more. El jefe’s messengers explained that he wanted the special drug they have been hearing about. My xseño, of course, I knew it would come to this if I gave it away at all. I have until today sundown to produce twenty pills, where as I only have twenty five on hand now, there goes my supply. My payment? Eloy stays alive. There is nothing to fight, I do not think, but I know that this will become the demise for all I wanted for xseño.